“Dear NICU Mama, You can be so grateful for the birth of your baby and still grieve the way in which it happened. A lesson I learned long ago is that two things can be true at once. I relived this lesson when my son was born.
As a mother, you have this deep desire to shelter your baby, to create perfect conditions for them. When that opportunity is taken from you by things out of your control, you grieve that.
The NICU is a space that feels frozen in place, a space where you are stuck, wanting nothing else but to have a sense of normalcy and growth. When you exit those doors, you are struck by the pace at which the world around you is moving, all the while you still feel stuck in place, right next to your baby. But that feeling of stagnation is a feeling, not a reality. Each day your baby is growing stronger. Even as they take steps that aren’t linear, they are building the skills and strength to make their way home with you.
My dearest NICU mama, I hope you read this and are reminded that even though life feels still, you both are growing and transitioning toward the next stages that will bring you closer to where you want to be.”
Love,
Cinthya
More of Our Journey:
“Ben was born at 32 weeks 3 days, 7 weeks early, on November 9th. I had started to show signs of pre-term labor, but I wanted to remain confident. When it did happen, I felt my world shift in a direction I was not prepared for. Ben and I stayed in the NICU for one month. I was thankful to stay with him in the parent room, but because I had other kids at home, I worried about going home and bringing a bug back into the NICU. This created a mother’s struggle like no other, thinking through staying with Ben while also missing my other boys was incredibly hard.
Having Ben at 32 weeks meant that I couldn’t hold him right away and had to wait a full day to cuddle him. He went through all the protocols babies go through in the NICU: the bili lights, caffeine drops, feeding tubes, oxygen masks. It was tough to see, but the nurses would focus my attention on the progress he was showing instead of the immediate challenges. It was really hard not to feel overwhelmed. But slowly, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I started to feel myself shift in my acceptance of the situation, which helped me focus on the final goal of bringing Ben home.
He came home on December 3rd, three days before my birthday. I remember when the doctors did their rounds, I cried before they could even get the words out that today was the day. I was crying tears of both joy and exhaustion. I couldn’t believe it. In my province, the hospital is where we go for major pediatric and OT appointments, so we stop by the NICU every so often to say hello. It’s always moving to see them remember my son and his particular journey with them.”